In a surprise news conference, God announced plans to shift his climate policy for Texas and Oklahoma from crippling drought to Noah-style flooding.
Traditional circular baked goods purveyors have worked hard to distinguish their products from the mainstream, primarily through products which offer increased frosting-to-face transfer.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed reports he had been sexting with Russian President Vladimir Putin for over six months. Governor of Ohio John Kasich - a rival Republican presidential candidate, who refuses to make public the "very troubling" sexts - discovered the long-term sexting relationship between Trump and Putin after becoming convinced he should investigate the relationship between the two after days of them being very complimentary of each other in the media.
The woman who's toplessness rocked a mountain range in Malaysia is being approached by The Sun to get them out again on page three, only months after page three was set to be axed and only days after she caused an earthquake in Malaysia.
Davenport, IA – Dallas Northcutt and his son, Lucas, decided that an uncharacteristically cold and snowy December day provided a perfect opportunity to get out onto the local hills and go sledding after a great Christmas holiday. Lucas got his snow pants on, grabbed his sled, and bundled up to get ready for an amazing afternoon. Dad didn’t grab his sled this time like he normally does.
The U.S. Government made the following announcements today that are in preparation of New Year’s Eve 2016. All the preparations, listed below, have roots in traditional superstitions.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Federal Reserve confirmed the trillions of dollars it had printed and handed over to the financial sector to stimulate the economy since the 2008 financial crisis went almost exclusively to the richest Americans - and stayed there making them even wealthier. The Fed dubbed the unsustainable shadow economy it was running the "Weekend at Bernie's Economy" due to all of the strings it had to continue to pull in order to make it look like the economy was alive and working well for everyone when it only benefited... extremely rich investors.
NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Barbed Wire) - Following Hillary Clinton's recent interview with CNN's Brianna Keilar, the Democratic candidate faced many of the same criticisms that have plagued her during her entire time in public life - The woman is just not warm, personable, and relatable, but rather a cold, calculating, conniving, power hungry witch.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, dozens of senior staffers working for Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush announced the former Governor of Florida was ignoring their hints it was well past time to suspend his lackluster presidential campaign. Bush's campaign staff explained they continued to make "mistakes" like including Jeb Bush on e-mails containing their resumes for the review of other Republican presidential contenders, but had failed to reach the governor with their passive-aggressive behavior.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney voiced his considerable displeasure with the nuclear agreement reached between the Obama administration and Iran. Cheney also announced his intention to travel to Iran and shoot Ayatollah Ali Khamenei - Supreme Leader of Iran - in the face with birdshot.
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